It's official, July sucked major ass.
I wish it was something I could put my finger on. But, other than the three weeks without my car and the obvious things, it's just been all aggrivation, and a feeling of loss and foreboding.
As a slightly related note. My most recent rememberance really has been going on for a couple of weeks now. It's one of the reasons I haven't posted. This one still hurts. I wish I had a better explanation to it than the one i've already given, but... I don't. Gods.
I haven't been sleeping, I've been testy, and even loudly aggressive in public. I feel like all those little annoyances I have (like people snapping at waitresses/bartenders) are boiling over and not only am i being vocal about my distaste for people who do that shit, but i'm being violently so.
So far, I've only been in one fight because of it, but i've been close a few other times too.
That's really not who I am. I should set a better example. Be a better person. But it's like all the anger blocks I spent 20+ years putting up are just gone. Vanished.
Yes, I have a temper. Yes, I've always had a temper. I've just been good at controlling myself (and I still can, it just takes a lot more focus than it used to). Bah, this doesn't look good, but it's the truth and it's not as bad as this makes it seem. Most of the time when i've lost control lately it's been because someone was doing these disrespectful (at least) things to people I'd consider friends. I've always had a harder time restraining myself when people mistreat my friends.
And, finally. On a possible (ok, more than possible) related tangent. I've been dreaming all month, violently (part of the reason i say i haven't been getting any sleep is the sheer number of times i've been jolted awake). I don't always remember them, I sometimes remember the people involved and nothing else. But I remember the violence with which i was awoken (this doesn't mean the dream was violent, just that I had a very strong emotional reaction to said dream). I do remember one that I had recently:
It took place in my old Perkins apartment, or at least a reasonable facimily of it. It involved two women, both of whom I did recognize from my time at RIT. Neither was one I knew very well, yes both were ones you could say I was somewhat interested in at some point, but nothing ever came of either. Both of them I recently reconnected with (sort of) on FB. One of them was your standard innocent/naive types, the other was the prim and proper princess. You know, the type you know is a wild child when she lets her hair down.
For ease, we'll call the first Neve and the second Susan. For just a little more background about how i knew these women. Neve and I worked together, and had a very general and unintense friendship of sorts. Susan and I were more aquaintances than friends (I was surprised when she remembered me at all, except for...) but we had a couple of very heated arguements over principles at some point (and if you're wondering, officially she won those, but I still think I had the right point of view. If you'd really like to know, ask sometime).
Anyway, onto the actual dream. So, the two of them are in my apartment. I'm not sure if Susan knows they're both there, but Neve is unaware, as they both seem to walk in and out of the room in concert (Neve will come back into the room just as Susan leaves, and vice versa). They're both hitting on me (it is a dream, I expect neither would be remotely interested really), but in different ways. Neve is being cutsey and trying to get my attention with little gadgets and other such innocent flirting tactics. Susan... well, lets just say most vampires would blush at some of her tactics.
The fact that both of them were doing it in concert was a very ... awkward situation for me. (believe it or not, I don't really believe in leading people on, and making decisions about these sorts of things always drives me a little batty). This goes on repeatedly for some amount of time before I decide that if I have to pick one, I'd rather pick Susan, knowing there really wasn't a commitment there (lol, NOW I get committment issues). So, I begin the process of trying to get Neve out without hurting her feelings. Tricky prospect.
Somewhere during this process, during one of Susan's visits (No, I didn't indicate to her that she was definetly getting any until after Neve left, thank you) she comes out barely dressed and whispers something to the effect of "If you miss out on this tonight, you'll regret it." in my ear.
Anyway, I finally get Neve out and wander into the bedroom to find Susan still barely dressed and only a minute later have Neve bust back into the apartment and eventually room.
Yeah, needless to say, I woke up then.
Talk about a hammer to the forehead.
Crow has been yelling at me lately, I'm not sure if it's over this or something else. One of these nights I'll be free to sit and chat with him about it.